I came down to my mom’s office space the other day…it’s good to just leave the house every now and again whether I have something to do or not, just to refresh my brain. Without even realising it, I was feeling low or I cannot seem to generate new ideas if I stay in the how for more than 48 hrs straight. We need stimuli visual, auditory…all our senses need to be refreshed and stimulated. More than anything else…to feel better…to interact with others…I enjoy staying on my own but seeing other people..smelling hearing feeling other situations helps me renew myself and feel better instantly whether I was feeling stuck, low or not..I go to my ballet class twice a week and every time I go back home..I am jumping up and down, smile..feel more energised.
Today I talked to a man somewhere in his 50s or 60s who had just lost his 34 year old son in a car accident at the beginning of August..he started crying in front of me and another person…his son’s wife is 30..they have two little girls (5 and 1,5 years old)..
It made me think.. It kind of came like a slap in the face, like a bucket of ice water being poured on my head…like a jolt of electricity like.. You see I have come out of a difficult relationship recently and I was feeling low and hurt because of it.. I lost somebody too and a part of me with them.. There are always other issues in the background too…with someone close to me being very ill and with job hunting stuff and negative people I have met…and I am carrying around this feeling of sadness and disappointment because I just don’t get people sometimes. There are so many beautiful things we can do each day….so many things to learn and feel good about ourselves…so many things to share with each other..being on my own is an activity I thoroughly enjoy but more often than not, I meet people with who I can be myself around and share my experiences and actually live a few hrs or days as if everything is beautiful and effortless and like there is no tomorrow… It is an exciting feeling and I love when this happens because you really don’t know if you will get the chance to see them again or to see them soon enough due to work and/or other stuff..
Meeting this man today made me sad…I cried with him while he talked about it and it makes me want to do something amazing every day whether I want to or not…even if that amazing THING is to not let anything or anyone bring me down..which for some might seem like something small but for me is something veeeeery difficult… It is hard when you feel everything to the extreme to not be affected…even if I am not affected in that moment, I will for sure think about the situation later and get upset somehow…until it goes away…
Therefore, the goal is to at least…not let things get to me!! and do even more whenever I can, things I enjoy, meeting people I like..making little progress on my work and other activities I like, even if it means trying and not getting somewhere substantial every time!!
OK! I am going for it! :*
It is worrying to me that it takes someone else’s tragedy or something completely wrong happening with you to make you remember that life is important and it has more value than anything else..
P.S. This article started differently and ended somewhere else!!!!!! It’s ok… (Evi, stop thinking about it and overanalyzingggg!)
Every time I listen to this..especially the second part, I want to cry..
Three to four years ago this recording was made..on a piano that needed tuning..and with a relatively good microphone that was given to me as a present by a dear friend of mine when I was moving from London to Berlin.
I feel uneasy listening to this but at the same time it makes me feel happy..it reminds me of a time in my life that I was happy and hopeful for the future..that I had support from the people closest to me.
I was an a road to self discovery after many years of trying to become somebody else..It was a happy and fruitful time in my life. Life is full of possibilities and we just need to try and see what might come out of anything that we choose to do and follow.
This recording might not be the best one but it is a part of me..representing a time in my life..and it is out there. Good or bad it does not matter. At least I tried to do something and that is all that matters.
Thank you for listening 🙂
I don’t know how to start this type of post..
After studying all my life and working for a few years now… I feel tired..tired of being unable to find something that makes me feel like this is what I was meant to be doing..
Being in the job market has not been easy for me.. I thought I would be doing something else by now..and that my life would look quite different to what it does now.. However, I feel an incredible joy for the things I have seen and experienced..the people I have met so far and I am truly looking forward to meeting more people and doing more things and seeing more places..
I have travelled and lived around the world…and I always end up wanting the same thing… Creating something of my own. This blog is part of that.. I started this a year ago..wrote two posts and never touched it again..but now..I am back! I want to write, I want to try and maybe something magical will happen in the process or maybe nothing… I am really hoping for the former 😉
So here I am..expressing my ideas..keeping a piano diary of some sort..and discovering new topics I might be interested in discussing..
I don’t want to be stuck in a box and doing only the things others allow me to do. I don’t want to be afraid to express my own voice..
It doesn’t fit with my personality to say exactly who I am and what I do and what I have done so far in my life… I want this to be discovered by anyone who will come here to read my blog (including me to some extend)… 😉
When music begins to have meaning again…
When you enjoy dancing…
When you start enjoying being alone again..
So good…it’s really so good!!!
When u start laughing with the tiniest silliest thing..
When you wanna see your friends again….
When you feel like having conversations with random people….although this never truly disappears from your life…It’s just that now…u r not afraid that u might feel sad about yourself during that conversation..
Someone recently told me that i need to be honest…I thought he meant with others which surprised me..as I always am honest with others – or at least I do my best…but he actually meant with myself…
How weird?! How am I not being honest with myself…well..after long deliberation I concluded that he is right…I am not honest with myself because when I hurt for whatever reason…I don’t want to look at myself..I don’t want to face my fears…
Sometimes it is easier to suffer with the thought that someone has wronged you than actually saying…no..i am great..I feel great and I have so much to look forward to…
Which brings us to now!! Beginning to enjoy life again and for being the sole benefactor of myself and the sole support, stimuli of fun…and as such…I have so many things that I enjoy doing that have nothing to do with what someone said to me or about me or did.. and nothing can affect me…Only me…
I am responsible for me and I have a choice…to enjoy or to not enjoy!! 😉
Done? Nothing’s done… Or at least this is how I feel daily whether I do or not do what I “feel” is enough for that day!! I sound so coocoo!!
Anyway.. I will go with my 5 To-Do things List:
- Play the piano for a minimum of 2 hours
- Exercise for 30-45 mins to feel more energised
- Spend 30 mins meditating
- Go for a walk (meaning spend sometime outside of the house..)
Maybe I will change it tomorrowwwww… 😉
This is the “dark ages” financially and professionally for me… I have had to deal with unemployment in the past, but for 1-2 months only and somehow I always seemed to be working on something else on the side or have a project of some sort..
Now I am feel quite stuck..the only light seems to be my writing and posting my thoughts on my blog these days…
I feel low right now…it is 20:59 on Thursday the 22nd of September..
Sometimes I lose hope…sometimes I feel helpless..and after so many years of working hard towards achieving my goals..and then working and working for hours non-stop with no recognition or appreciation and not getting anywhere or leaving jobs that were not for me, I feel tired and begin to wonder why I am always dreaming of something better but do not know how to achieve it outside of the reality that surrounds me..
Maybe I am not really doing something that will change my current state…maybe I am still doing the same thing over and over and that’s why I keep getting the same results.
(to be continued…)
Why do we “have” to live a life that seems so complicated? It is not complicated! To me it seems I am living a relatively straightforward life, where I say what I want..I express my emotions…but this is not reciprocated..or even understood sometimes.. (and BTW, of course…sometimes I lose my words or what I want to say and what I do say comes out as complete and utter nonsense..especially when I am afraid and I, like everybody else on this planet say half a truth or try to find a “diplomatic” way of expressing my idea…Nobody’s perfect :P)
Why is everybody so afraid of expressing themselves though?
Sometimes I feel that school has messed us up so much because as soon as we said the “wrong” thing everybody including the teacher would make fun of us and OUR WAY OF THINKING!
If only when we said something we actually meant it, but most importantly…if only everybody said what they really wanted, felt, thought…Would that really be so horrible?
The way we have learned to live now might be conflicting to all that I have wished…but…Why can’t we unlearn or change these “BAD-not so good-not so positive” habits, which are: lying, being afraid of speaking up, saying how we feel about a certain situation (positive or negative)..
As a result, sooner or later I think that we will all learn how to trust one another because we would know we are not talking bullshit.. and OH MY GOD! I just had a stupendous idea…
WHAT IF? We lived in a world..where everybody spoke the truth… or if there was a plant (I will look into this…there probably is one) that when you consume it…you can only be honest and sincere and open and exactly who you are…
I don’t believe people are that horrible…and certainly we can teach each other and learn from one another how to be better…once we reinstate trust.. and earn it…and once we start feeling comfortable with the idea….IT COULD WORK!!
Morning Routine…is there a more glorious thing than that…
I feel refreshed…NOT TIRED…amazing….ready to take on any challenge the day might bring…
Why am I afraid of practicing music?
Why am I afraid of anything really… I have been reading a book these days, that talks about musicality, music performance and all the things we can improve upon as musicians…and embrace who we are, and find ourselves again – if at some point we have lost our way – and be productive with our music expression, learning, teaching, performance…
In this moment, I feel so afraid… I am away from everything and everyone I have ever known…and I am restarting my life…trying to stay positive when I feel low..be brave and give a true chance to myself and what I want to do with music! I will not talk about my personal life…because I don’t see any point anymore in dissecting every single part of it…well, and I am in love..truly, madly, deeply….which leaves me so scared at times…it shouldn’t but I feel so open and vulnerable because of it…and I am not used to allowing myself being in it and really living it..
So, back to music…
There are no excuses anymore..I have worked very hard to be able to call myself a professional musician and not someone who just enjoys playing every now and then…but my fear of not making it…made me stop playing so many times already…and I have no excuse anymore for not going after it… My life used to be all about music..and then one day…I felt scared, overwhelmed and insecure that I stopped being in it and just practiced (well, it wasn’t true practice) with no purpose, no professional or personal goal…tried different jobs within the music and art realm and on various posts. But I was never truly happy and satisfied…a few times I dropped out of it and went back to performing until another job appeared that would allow me to have something of an income, but no personal time, and definitely no time for creating and performing music…and this has been happening for the past 5 years….so now, I have reached a “do or die” moment. It sound very strict, harsh etc. but I wanna do it…This is who I am and I cannot let fear hold me back! Not anymore…
Let’s see where it will take me…