Posted in life, music, piano, Thought

Fear…

Why am I afraid of practicing music?

Why am I afraid of anything really… I have been reading a book these days, that talks about musicality, music performance and all the things we can improve upon as musicians…and embrace who we are, and find ourselves again – if at some point we have lost our way – and be productive with our music expression, learning, teaching, performance…

In this moment, I feel so afraid… I am away from everything and everyone I have ever known…and I am restarting my life…trying to stay positive when I feel low..be brave and give a true chance to myself and what I want to do with music! I will not talk about my personal life…because I don’t see any point anymore in dissecting every single part of it…well, and I am in love..truly, madly, deeply….which leaves me so scared at times…it shouldn’t but I feel so open and vulnerable because of it…and I am not used to allowing myself being in it and really living it..

So, back to music…

There are no excuses anymore..I have worked very hard to be able to call myself a professional musician and not someone who just enjoys playing every now and then…but my fear of not making it…made me stop playing so many times already…and I have no excuse anymore for not going after it… My life used to be all about music..and then one day…I felt scared, overwhelmed and insecure that I stopped being in it and just practiced¬†(well, it wasn’t true practice)¬†with no purpose, no professional or personal goal…tried different jobs within the music and art realm and on various posts. But I was never truly happy and satisfied…a few times I dropped out of it and went back to performing until another job appeared that would allow me to have something of an income, but no personal time, and definitely no time for creating and performing music…and this has been happening for the past 5 years….so now, I have reached a “do or die” moment. It sound very strict, harsh etc. but I wanna do it…This is who I am and I cannot let fear hold me back! Not anymore…

Let’s see where it will take me…

 

 

 

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